I am at Seatac airport right now, waiting for my flight. Doing some work stuff near Detroit, then Penguicon for the weekend.
ETA: I am at my hotel in Troy MI now, tired as hell and cringing at the thought of getting up in less than five hours (seven o'clock local time). Tomorrow work at a client site. Friday morning? Maybe some more work, but there is a chance I won't have anything I need to do; in which case I will maybe head over to the Henry Ford Museum, a place Anita and I visited for a quick look-around when she came out here back in 2003.
ETA: I am at my hotel in Troy MI now, tired as hell and cringing at the thought of getting up in less than five hours (seven o'clock local time). Tomorrow work at a client site. Friday morning? Maybe some more work, but there is a chance I won't have anything I need to do; in which case I will maybe head over to the Henry Ford Museum, a place Anita and I visited for a quick look-around when she came out here back in 2003.
Just about six months ago Anita and I stopped at Third Place Books on our way home from something I now forget. I got myself a coffee and my grandson a hot chocolate while Anita went and found a book she had been lusting after: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final episode of J. K. Rowling's famous series.
I teased her about it a little, mostly because the book had been a media sensation and Anita wasn't much on media sensations. She thought I was yanking her chain because it was a kid's book and, much of the way home, proceeded to disabuse me of the notion. Being naturally contrary I took the opposite position for a while, but she did intrigue me a little with her description of how the books became steadily darker and more sinister and not so much children's fare as simply good Fantasy. She explained that they were far better than the (as I had to admit) otherwise quite good movies.
Only a couple of days later she finished reading it and, that night, she made me promise I would give the Harry Potter sequence a chance. I was more than willing to follow through right then, but the first few books in the series were ensconced somewhere in one of the book boxes filling an entire side of our storage unit; not exactly close to hand. Being me, not long after that I completely forgot about the whole thing. . .
. . . until during my recent move, so soon after Anita's death, I found myself packing up the last couple of Harry Potter books, along with one from the middle of the seven. I remembered my promise then, and it started itching at me. I looked up 'Harry Potter' on Wikipedia and was amazed to find a wealth of information about the books, all cross linked and full of spoilers. (Follow the link, you will be surprised at how complete and well-written the articles are.) Clearly the fan-base for Potter included many smart (and mature) people.
Those first few books still lost in the depths of my storage unit, I looked in the 'Young Adult' section the next time I was at a used book store and walked out six bucks poorer, with a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone in my hand. This was about a month ago.
Tonight I closed the covers on the final book with a deep sense of satisfaction. Taken as a whole the books were not the best extended novel I have ever read. (If I re-read The Lord of the Rings again this summer it will be the seventeenth time. Yes, I have kept count. No, I can't imagine reading the Harry Potter books even a fraction as many times.) But I don't think I have read anything longer than a hundred thousand words in recent memory which I found quite so captivating.
Harboring my own ambitions of writerhood, I found myself analyzing as I read Rowling's work. Why was this holding my attention so well? What in it worked? And what didn't?
Quite honestly there is a lot there that doesn't work. The settings and props are too fantastical by half; sometimes enough to break suspension of disbelief and drop you sputtering right out of the story. The characters are often dumb as rocks. You want to shout at them. Make them step outside themselves and pay attention for just a moment.
And right there is one of the things Rowling gets right: You care about the characters. Most of them seem real, with flaws and strengths that bump them out into three dimensions. Clearly she cares about the characters as well, otherwise why spend so much time developing minor characters into believability? Unsurprisingly the only truly cardboard characters of the lot are the ones lost to evil. Apparently Rowling found them much less interesting.
And then there is the writing itself. We are not talking high literature here; rather a workaday prose whose greatest strength is its clarity. Most of the time the words simply do not get in the way of the story. Certainly there are times Rowling gets a bit too clever, as described above, but most of the time you are simply reading the story instead of chuckling over a ingenious usage here or unpacking a hidden meaning there.
Nearly all the story is told in the tightest of tight third person narrative, with Potter as the viewpoint character. The exceptions are info-dump devices intended to bring the reader up to date as the story gets trickier and events start moving with more speed. This also works well, you find out things as Harry Potter does and, even when the foreshadowing gets intense, chances are you are barely ahead of the young wizard in figuring things out.
Which brings us to plot. The first four books are simple 'coming of age' mystery adventures, each slightly more complex than the last. Then the mysteries become far more intricate and the books suddenly slide sideways into character-driven narrative before slewing back around to adventure towards the end. This is not the usual Hero's Journey stuff either; there may be one viewpoint character, but there are too many real heros here for your standard monomyth. Each overcoming their natural shortcomings. Each making a part of the myth their own.
All of this doesn't work one-hundred percent of the time, but it works enough to hold your attention and keep you turning the pages until, by the end, you find yourself awed by the depth of the world Rowling has created. No, this isn't Tolkien. Hell, it isn't even Pratchett. But it is more than good enough.
Good enough for me to think Rowling deserves the fame and money Potter has brought her (even if I think Tolkien deserved it more). And good enough for me to thank Anita for extracting that promise from me on a hot July night...
I teased her about it a little, mostly because the book had been a media sensation and Anita wasn't much on media sensations. She thought I was yanking her chain because it was a kid's book and, much of the way home, proceeded to disabuse me of the notion. Being naturally contrary I took the opposite position for a while, but she did intrigue me a little with her description of how the books became steadily darker and more sinister and not so much children's fare as simply good Fantasy. She explained that they were far better than the (as I had to admit) otherwise quite good movies.
Only a couple of days later she finished reading it and, that night, she made me promise I would give the Harry Potter sequence a chance. I was more than willing to follow through right then, but the first few books in the series were ensconced somewhere in one of the book boxes filling an entire side of our storage unit; not exactly close to hand. Being me, not long after that I completely forgot about the whole thing. . .
. . . until during my recent move, so soon after Anita's death, I found myself packing up the last couple of Harry Potter books, along with one from the middle of the seven. I remembered my promise then, and it started itching at me. I looked up 'Harry Potter' on Wikipedia and was amazed to find a wealth of information about the books, all cross linked and full of spoilers. (Follow the link, you will be surprised at how complete and well-written the articles are.) Clearly the fan-base for Potter included many smart (and mature) people.
Those first few books still lost in the depths of my storage unit, I looked in the 'Young Adult' section the next time I was at a used book store and walked out six bucks poorer, with a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone in my hand. This was about a month ago.
Tonight I closed the covers on the final book with a deep sense of satisfaction. Taken as a whole the books were not the best extended novel I have ever read. (If I re-read The Lord of the Rings again this summer it will be the seventeenth time. Yes, I have kept count. No, I can't imagine reading the Harry Potter books even a fraction as many times.) But I don't think I have read anything longer than a hundred thousand words in recent memory which I found quite so captivating.
Harboring my own ambitions of writerhood, I found myself analyzing as I read Rowling's work. Why was this holding my attention so well? What in it worked? And what didn't?
Quite honestly there is a lot there that doesn't work. The settings and props are too fantastical by half; sometimes enough to break suspension of disbelief and drop you sputtering right out of the story. The characters are often dumb as rocks. You want to shout at them. Make them step outside themselves and pay attention for just a moment.
And right there is one of the things Rowling gets right: You care about the characters. Most of them seem real, with flaws and strengths that bump them out into three dimensions. Clearly she cares about the characters as well, otherwise why spend so much time developing minor characters into believability? Unsurprisingly the only truly cardboard characters of the lot are the ones lost to evil. Apparently Rowling found them much less interesting.
And then there is the writing itself. We are not talking high literature here; rather a workaday prose whose greatest strength is its clarity. Most of the time the words simply do not get in the way of the story. Certainly there are times Rowling gets a bit too clever, as described above, but most of the time you are simply reading the story instead of chuckling over a ingenious usage here or unpacking a hidden meaning there.
Nearly all the story is told in the tightest of tight third person narrative, with Potter as the viewpoint character. The exceptions are info-dump devices intended to bring the reader up to date as the story gets trickier and events start moving with more speed. This also works well, you find out things as Harry Potter does and, even when the foreshadowing gets intense, chances are you are barely ahead of the young wizard in figuring things out.
Which brings us to plot. The first four books are simple 'coming of age' mystery adventures, each slightly more complex than the last. Then the mysteries become far more intricate and the books suddenly slide sideways into character-driven narrative before slewing back around to adventure towards the end. This is not the usual Hero's Journey stuff either; there may be one viewpoint character, but there are too many real heros here for your standard monomyth. Each overcoming their natural shortcomings. Each making a part of the myth their own.
All of this doesn't work one-hundred percent of the time, but it works enough to hold your attention and keep you turning the pages until, by the end, you find yourself awed by the depth of the world Rowling has created. No, this isn't Tolkien. Hell, it isn't even Pratchett. But it is more than good enough.
Good enough for me to think Rowling deserves the fame and money Potter has brought her (even if I think Tolkien deserved it more). And good enough for me to thank Anita for extracting that promise from me on a hot July night...
I'm hurting a lot right now...
On Valentine's Day in 2001 I asked Anita to marry me. In her words:
The gift in question was her engagement ring, of course. I didn't want to buy a diamond because I am morally opposed to the diamond trade as it is practiced today, but I wanted her to have anything she truly desired. In the end she chose a Moissanite ring because of the Science Fictional connection: Moissanites were originally only found in asteroid and large meteorite impact craters. Plus it was beautiful in the old-fashioned cut and setting she picked.
In her journal Anita leaves out how I poured out my heart to her that night. My first marriage had been so disastrous and had led to so many long lasting consequences (which affect my life to this day) that I was extremely fearful of that kind of committment. I knew Anita wanted to marry me and we had already discussed it a little, of course. But, as I told her that night, I did truly love her and I knew I must overcome my past and accept that a future with her was what I truly wanted as well. Anything else wasn't fair to her nor to my own sense of self.
Why am I telling you all this? Because tonight I bookended my life with Anita in a rather gruesome way. Just as we were wed in the same place where we held Anita's memorial service, so tonight I spent my Valentine's Day evening by transferring her ashes to the urn I purchased for her three weeks ago. I added a photocopy of the death certificate and a handwritten note reading "Anita Marie Rowland, 1956 - 2007, Beloved Wife of Jack William Bell, 1957 - ?, I will miss you forever..."
I wish to hell it hadn't been tonight. But I was informed this afternoon at work that Anita's sister had arranged the internment into their parent's crypt for tomorrow. (M***** is forgetful these days, a consequence of her own health problems I think, so I don't blame her for not remembering to tell me until the last minute. Still...) This means I had to ready Anita's remains tonight. It also means that I must pay for putting off having the urn engraved by saying goodbye to it blank, except for that note inside and Anita's name written in permanent marker on the seal. My own fault that.
I originally picked Valentine's Day to propose to Anita because I knew it was a date I couldn't forget. Given my problems with remembering birthdays and the like, this seemed like a smart thing to do at the time. Now I have a much grimmer reason to remember this day well, and to tag it with Anita's name.
We all carry memories with conflicting emotions, I think. But I hope few must endure the clash that February 14th will bring to me every year from this day forward...
Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I will get over it and probably will feel deeply embarrassed by this post when I do. So be it. I want pity not, nor a shoulder on which to cry; for I am sufficient unto myself in this. I share my pain only because there are those who I think want to know the story and because I myself wish never to forget both the joy and the heartbreak. Not that I will, but now it is made explicit and beyond denial. I have the entire Internet for a witness!
Comments are turned off for this post.
On Valentine's Day in 2001 I asked Anita to marry me. In her words:
We parked, and enjoyed the view. We've admired the sunsets here before, though it was already dark tonight. Jack started talking about how there was one more Valentine's Day gift. "But you'll have to help pick it out -- I just couldn't decide."
He was silent for a few moments. "I'm having trouble coming up with the right words here. This is scary!"
I knew something was up, by this point. Finally he was able to speak. "Will you marry me?"
Wow! I said yes, right away, and we kissed and hugged. I was so happy! I'd been thinking about us getting married, and had decided to bring the subject up myself after the third anniversary of our first meeting, so I thanked Jack for not making me wait that long, which made him laugh.
I asked why it had been so tough to speak, since I'm sure he knew I was willing. The difficult ending of Jack's first marriage was the cause, of course. He'd been thinking about asking me for the past few months.
The gift in question was her engagement ring, of course. I didn't want to buy a diamond because I am morally opposed to the diamond trade as it is practiced today, but I wanted her to have anything she truly desired. In the end she chose a Moissanite ring because of the Science Fictional connection: Moissanites were originally only found in asteroid and large meteorite impact craters. Plus it was beautiful in the old-fashioned cut and setting she picked.
In her journal Anita leaves out how I poured out my heart to her that night. My first marriage had been so disastrous and had led to so many long lasting consequences (which affect my life to this day) that I was extremely fearful of that kind of committment. I knew Anita wanted to marry me and we had already discussed it a little, of course. But, as I told her that night, I did truly love her and I knew I must overcome my past and accept that a future with her was what I truly wanted as well. Anything else wasn't fair to her nor to my own sense of self.
Why am I telling you all this? Because tonight I bookended my life with Anita in a rather gruesome way. Just as we were wed in the same place where we held Anita's memorial service, so tonight I spent my Valentine's Day evening by transferring her ashes to the urn I purchased for her three weeks ago. I added a photocopy of the death certificate and a handwritten note reading "Anita Marie Rowland, 1956 - 2007, Beloved Wife of Jack William Bell, 1957 - ?, I will miss you forever..."
I wish to hell it hadn't been tonight. But I was informed this afternoon at work that Anita's sister had arranged the internment into their parent's crypt for tomorrow. (M***** is forgetful these days, a consequence of her own health problems I think, so I don't blame her for not remembering to tell me until the last minute. Still...) This means I had to ready Anita's remains tonight. It also means that I must pay for putting off having the urn engraved by saying goodbye to it blank, except for that note inside and Anita's name written in permanent marker on the seal. My own fault that.
I originally picked Valentine's Day to propose to Anita because I knew it was a date I couldn't forget. Given my problems with remembering birthdays and the like, this seemed like a smart thing to do at the time. Now I have a much grimmer reason to remember this day well, and to tag it with Anita's name.
We all carry memories with conflicting emotions, I think. But I hope few must endure the clash that February 14th will bring to me every year from this day forward...
Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I will get over it and probably will feel deeply embarrassed by this post when I do. So be it. I want pity not, nor a shoulder on which to cry; for I am sufficient unto myself in this. I share my pain only because there are those who I think want to know the story and because I myself wish never to forget both the joy and the heartbreak. Not that I will, but now it is made explicit and beyond denial. I have the entire Internet for a witness!
Comments are turned off for this post.
- Mood:
sad
As you may already know, my wife Anita Rowland passed away last month after a long battle with cancer.
Please join me for a celebration of Anita's life and spirit on January 26th, here in Seattle.
Please pass this on to anyone who might be interested. I don't have the email addresses for everyone who knew and loved Anita and she was involved in so many different communities. I would hate to miss someone getting this invitation who would like to come.
-- Where --
Century Ballroom
-- Address --
915 E Pine
2nd floor
Seattle WA 98122
-- When --
Saturday, 1-26-2008, from 10:00 AM to 2:00 PM. (We can go a little over if you help clean up.)
-- More info --
We will have a potluck lunch at 12:00 noon. Please bring sandwiches or other lunch dish. Soft drinks and coffee/tea will be provided.
Please bring any pictures of Anita you may have.
Please RSVP to give me some idea of attendance. Email: jackb [at sign here] sff [dot here] net.
Please join me for a celebration of Anita's life and spirit on January 26th, here in Seattle.
Please pass this on to anyone who might be interested. I don't have the email addresses for everyone who knew and loved Anita and she was involved in so many different communities. I would hate to miss someone getting this invitation who would like to come.
-- Where --
Century Ballroom
-- Address --
915 E Pine
2nd floor
Seattle WA 98122
-- When --
Saturday, 1-26-2008, from 10:00 AM to 2:00 PM. (We can go a little over if you help clean up.)
-- More info --
We will have a potluck lunch at 12:00 noon. Please bring sandwiches or other lunch dish. Soft drinks and coffee/tea will be provided.
Please bring any pictures of Anita you may have.
Please RSVP to give me some idea of attendance. Email: jackb [at sign here] sff [dot here] net.
- 'Heartache' isn't just a turn of phrase. It can literally ache. Enough to make one wonder if 'dying of heartbreak' isn't just a metaphor.
- Grief is different than regular depression. Among other things it makes you even more forgetful and slow thinking.
- Most people tend to give you some slack. This is a good thing. (See item '2'.)
- Other people's expressions of loss and sympathy actually do help.
- Five year-old grandchildren may not understand death and loss completely, but if you explain it carefully enough they will surprise you by understanding more than you thought possible: "Anita is talking to me from my heart to put on my shoes." (Hugging five year-old grandchildren makes you both feel better.)
- Doing simple repetitive tasks helps a lot.
- Getting ten calls in a row from various family and friends wanting to check up on you is annoying. It can feel good at the same time.
- You can still laugh.
- Losing the one person in the world who appreciates your weird sense of humor doesn't mean you lose the weird sense of humor. It just means you are sometimes the only one laughing. (See item '8'.)
- Grief won't kill you. Or, rather, probably won't kill you if you are relatively healthy and don't get too stupid. (See items '1' and '2'.)
There are so many things you have to deal with when a spouse passes away. Bank accounts, titles, bills. Anything that is in the spouses name or in both names is affected. Even mundane things like car insurance.
We had 'Esurance'. (Yeah, the one one advertising on TV with a cartoon spy girl about how easy to use their online system is.) This morning I tried to remove Anita from our policy, which is about to renew. Their online system provided a button for this next to Anita's name, but the transaction failed every time I clicked it. So I called their customer dis-service center.
There I was told that I couldn't remove a spouse from the policy without providing a copy of the death certificate. I explained that death certificates cost $20 each and require me to do extra work. Besides, what if Anita just wasn't driving anymore?
Sorry. They have to have the death certificate.
OK. Try this then: We cancel my insurance policy with Esurance and I start a new insurance policy with the guys who advertise on TV with a computer animated gekko. Would that work?
Yes. That works fine. They thank me for calling.
Somehow I suspect I am going to be dealing with a lot of this kind of crap over the next few months...
We had 'Esurance'. (Yeah, the one one advertising on TV with a cartoon spy girl about how easy to use their online system is.) This morning I tried to remove Anita from our policy, which is about to renew. Their online system provided a button for this next to Anita's name, but the transaction failed every time I clicked it. So I called their customer dis-service center.
There I was told that I couldn't remove a spouse from the policy without providing a copy of the death certificate. I explained that death certificates cost $20 each and require me to do extra work. Besides, what if Anita just wasn't driving anymore?
Sorry. They have to have the death certificate.
OK. Try this then: We cancel my insurance policy with Esurance and I start a new insurance policy with the guys who advertise on TV with a computer animated gekko. Would that work?
Yes. That works fine. They thank me for calling.
Somehow I suspect I am going to be dealing with a lot of this kind of crap over the next few months...
At 4:40 PM Monday, December 10, 2007, my wife, Anita Marie Rowland, passed away in Seattle at the age of 51 after a long battle with cancer. She is survived by her two sisters, Martha and Betsy Rowland, and by myself.
Anita will be missed by all. By her sisters. By myself. By the children and grandchildren she took as her own. And by everyone that knew her...
Some people shine so brightly they light the way for others; Anita was such a person. Having that light snuffed out so soon is a loss to the world.
Anita, we love you. We will miss you forever.
If you knew Anita or she touched your life in some way -- something that applies to many, many people -- please leave a comment with some memory of her here.
-- Edited to add:
Many people have asked me about a memorial fund for Anita. In all our discussions about what happens next (yes, Anita and I had them) we managed to miss talking about what charity she would like to have people donate to in her name.
There is a medical fund managed by our friend![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
jkling called anitar_medfund. It's purpose is to help us pay off our (enormous) medical bills. But that isn't quite the same thing. You are welcome to donate there, just follow the link and click the PayPal button.
But what charities would Anita want you to support? The list is as endless and varied as her many interests. Given the circumstances, I suggest Gilda's Club as a place to make a small donation in Anita's name. Or you can follow Anita's lead and go personally to feed the hungry in whatever place you live.
Anita will be missed by all. By her sisters. By myself. By the children and grandchildren she took as her own. And by everyone that knew her...
Some people shine so brightly they light the way for others; Anita was such a person. Having that light snuffed out so soon is a loss to the world.
Anita, we love you. We will miss you forever.
If you knew Anita or she touched your life in some way -- something that applies to many, many people -- please leave a comment with some memory of her here.
-- Edited to add:
Many people have asked me about a memorial fund for Anita. In all our discussions about what happens next (yes, Anita and I had them) we managed to miss talking about what charity she would like to have people donate to in her name.
There is a medical fund managed by our friend
jkling called anitar_medfund. It's purpose is to help us pay off our (enormous) medical bills. But that isn't quite the same thing. You are welcome to donate there, just follow the link and click the PayPal button.But what charities would Anita want you to support? The list is as endless and varied as her many interests. Given the circumstances, I suggest Gilda's Club as a place to make a small donation in Anita's name. Or you can follow Anita's lead and go personally to feed the hungry in whatever place you live.
About 10 hours from my writing this Anita and I will be leaving these shores for Japan. We are going for the World SF Convention in Yokohama (first time for Japan) and a week of general tourism after.
Our itinerary:
In Kyoto we will stay in a Minshuku Ryokan; not quite the full traditional Ryokan experience, but certainly not a Western hotel. In Tokyo on the return leg we will stay in a hotel modeled after modern Japanese apartments, with a kitchen and even a Washer/Dryer. During our tourism days we plan on mixing one or two morning guided tours with a lot of self-guided wandering around, hopefully including a few sights not on the usual tourist itinerary. For example, if possible on the second Sunday there I want to go to the bridge at Harajuku where Cosplayers hang out to have their pictures taken.
While in Japan we plan on updating our blogs and uploading tons of images to our Flickr streams. (Mine, Anita's.) So you can follow along from home if you want to.
We have also rented a cell phone in Japan which has a local USA number. Japan number is 090-3696-6909. USA number is 213-412-3978.
See you on the flip side!
Our itinerary:
- Tue Aug 28: Depart Seattle
- Wed Aug 29: Arrive and check into the InterContinental Grand Yokohama hotel
- Thu Aug 30 to Mon Sep 3: World SF Convention with some Yokohama tourism and a possible day trip to Kamakura
- Tue Sep 4: Explore Tokyo
- Wed Sep 5: Travel to Kyoto
- Thu Sep 6 to Fri Sep 7: Explore Kyoto
- Sat Sep 8: Travel back to Tokyo
- Sun Sep 9 to Mon Sep 10: Day trips from Tokyo (Nikko) and more Tokyo tourism
- Tue Sep 11: Travel back to Seattle, arriving before we leave thanks to the magic of the International date line
In Kyoto we will stay in a Minshuku Ryokan; not quite the full traditional Ryokan experience, but certainly not a Western hotel. In Tokyo on the return leg we will stay in a hotel modeled after modern Japanese apartments, with a kitchen and even a Washer/Dryer. During our tourism days we plan on mixing one or two morning guided tours with a lot of self-guided wandering around, hopefully including a few sights not on the usual tourist itinerary. For example, if possible on the second Sunday there I want to go to the bridge at Harajuku where Cosplayers hang out to have their pictures taken.
While in Japan we plan on updating our blogs and uploading tons of images to our Flickr streams. (Mine, Anita's.) So you can follow along from home if you want to.
We have also rented a cell phone in Japan which has a local USA number. Japan number is 090-3696-6909. USA number is 213-412-3978.
See you on the flip side!
I've had a secret project going for the past week that I am now ready to reveal to the world. (OK, I've had several secret projects, but this one is ready for alpha-testing.)
Announcing iPhoneDojo.Net! iPhoneDojo.Net aspires to be your first choice for information about the iPhone. Of course we are still getting the place fixed up and things are improving all the time, so it is only a shadow of what we hope it will become. Nonetheless the initial rollout (a blog about iPhones and iPhone hacking) is up and going.
I would especially like to thank Anita for her support and for letting me volunteer her to post news items during the day. Come check it out!
Announcing iPhoneDojo.Net! iPhoneDojo.Net aspires to be your first choice for information about the iPhone. Of course we are still getting the place fixed up and things are improving all the time, so it is only a shadow of what we hope it will become. Nonetheless the initial rollout (a blog about iPhones and iPhone hacking) is up and going.
I would especially like to thank Anita for her support and for letting me volunteer her to post news items during the day. Come check it out!
Today is Anita's birthday. Go over to her blog and wish her a happy one!
It is beginning to seem like all these updates are bad news. In my last Anita Update I described how her previous chemo regime had not worked as well as hoped, and how she was beginning yet another one with a different drug. Such a change from a year ago, when we had good news.
Well, guess what... If you are guessing "still didn't work" you are right on the money. A CAT scan just before Christmas determined that the tumor on her liver had grown to the size of an egg and she had a new spot there as well. (The doctor didn't talk about other tumors, although it is certain they exist, possibly because tumors on your liver are bad enough news all by themselves.) Some Christmas present, eh?
So the doctor discussed Anita's options, including the possibility of stopping chemo and letting things run their course. Anita, fighter that she is, opted to keep going. (Good for her!)
The next chemo regime consists of a combination of two drugs, each variations on drugs she has had before; Cisplatin (similar to Carboplatin) and Doxorubicin (same thing as Doxil, only straight up instead of being packaged in tiny lipozomes). Side effects? Well, pretty much all the same nasty things as before; only worse and all at once. (One exception is the sores on the mouth and extremities, Doxorubicin is somewhat better than Doxil in that regard.)
Today we finished the second treatment of six on this chemo regime. Anita is listless, but awake right now. She will probably be very tired and ill for at least four days. Her hair is already falling out from the first treatment. Experience says each treatment will have worse side effects as the drugs build up in her system. Plus the drugs they give her for the side effects have their own side effects, kind of like the shit spice in a rather nasty stew.
What does all of this mean? Well, for one thing Anita is going to have one really bad week our of every three for the next three months. At the end of that time she gets another CAT scan and we re-assess. For another, she isn't getting better.
We already knew that, of course. Yes, there is a chance that she will get better, but Anita has stage IV Endometrial cancer. The odds are not in her favor.
There, I've just said it; the thing I have skirted around in all these updates. The thing I have avoided even thinking about all this time. In all honesty, treatment is more about extending her life than a cure at this point. And the treatment itself is almost as bad as the disease. (Note: Anita was originally stage II when first diagnosed and given appropriate surgery. She is stage IV now because the cancer came back and invaded vital organs.)
But, as I also said above, she is a fighter. I'm so proud of her and I'm so glad she is willing to keep trying. I'm here to help her, and I hope you can be as well. To repeat something I've said before:
Previous health updates for Anita:
Well, guess what... If you are guessing "still didn't work" you are right on the money. A CAT scan just before Christmas determined that the tumor on her liver had grown to the size of an egg and she had a new spot there as well. (The doctor didn't talk about other tumors, although it is certain they exist, possibly because tumors on your liver are bad enough news all by themselves.) Some Christmas present, eh?
So the doctor discussed Anita's options, including the possibility of stopping chemo and letting things run their course. Anita, fighter that she is, opted to keep going. (Good for her!)
The next chemo regime consists of a combination of two drugs, each variations on drugs she has had before; Cisplatin (similar to Carboplatin) and Doxorubicin (same thing as Doxil, only straight up instead of being packaged in tiny lipozomes). Side effects? Well, pretty much all the same nasty things as before; only worse and all at once. (One exception is the sores on the mouth and extremities, Doxorubicin is somewhat better than Doxil in that regard.)
Today we finished the second treatment of six on this chemo regime. Anita is listless, but awake right now. She will probably be very tired and ill for at least four days. Her hair is already falling out from the first treatment. Experience says each treatment will have worse side effects as the drugs build up in her system. Plus the drugs they give her for the side effects have their own side effects, kind of like the shit spice in a rather nasty stew.
What does all of this mean? Well, for one thing Anita is going to have one really bad week our of every three for the next three months. At the end of that time she gets another CAT scan and we re-assess. For another, she isn't getting better.
We already knew that, of course. Yes, there is a chance that she will get better, but Anita has stage IV Endometrial cancer. The odds are not in her favor.
There, I've just said it; the thing I have skirted around in all these updates. The thing I have avoided even thinking about all this time. In all honesty, treatment is more about extending her life than a cure at this point. And the treatment itself is almost as bad as the disease. (Note: Anita was originally stage II when first diagnosed and given appropriate surgery. She is stage IV now because the cancer came back and invaded vital organs.)
But, as I also said above, she is a fighter. I'm so proud of her and I'm so glad she is willing to keep trying. I'm here to help her, and I hope you can be as well. To repeat something I've said before:
We are probably going to need help with my grandson and various other things again; so if you are not already an official 'AnitaHelper', and would like to be one (and live in King County), please send an email with your contact info to jackb [at sign here] sff.net and we will add you to the list. If you would like to help us with our (completely overwhelming) medical expenses, please email jackb [at sign here] sff.net indicating this and(Meta: Yes, I am breaking my rule about not blogging about personal stuff. In this case I must because so many people care for Anita and want to know what is going on.)
Previous health updates for Anita:
A couple of days ago I posted about feeling neuva-vu because I was using the Internet from an airplane from Copenhagen to Seattle. Basically I was crowing about how the future we live in is so cool.
That night, after I got home safe and sound, Seattle (and the entire Pacific Northwest) experienced a major windstorm. As a result our house was without power on Friday morning. I was able to go to work as South Bellevue retained power, but the trip in was a nightmare; with the 520 bridge down and stoplights out everywhere traffic was a mess. Anita drove me in (because my van was still at work) and a trip that normally takes about eight minutes required over an hour.
Friday night I stopped at our storage unit and picked up camping supplies and our generator, then tried to find an open gas station and store to pick up a few things.
Bad idea! Power was out and stores were closed everywhere I looked until I returned to South Bellevue. There I found more terrible traffic (despite working stoplights), gas lines reminiscent of the 1970's energy crisis, and one open grocery store with nearly empty shelves and long lines of its own. I finally picked up a few useful things at a nearby drug store and fought my way through the traffic to home. The whole adventure took me more than three hours.
I returned in pitch dark to a house glowing softly with candles. (Anita's candle fetish finally came in handy.) I set up the camping stove and started arranging things for a night without power while Anita heated some chili. After that I played guitar for a while and then we read with flashlights. My four-year-old grandson found the whole thing quite exciting.
The house never got too cold, so sleep came easy beneath multiple covers. Then I was woken early Saturday morning as the power came back on. (In fact I nearly filled my pants as every light came on, along with the heater and a couple of appliances beeping or otherwise making their presence known.) So, although I was prepared for several days without power we only had to do without for about 24 hours.
Unfortunately the Cable didn't return as well, so finally (with Anita experiencing a major Net Jones) we went in search of an Internet connection and found an open Panera's in Redmond. They didn't have any food, but they were staying open and providing free Wifi, coffee, sodas, and a warm place to sit for anyone. So, major kudos to the guys there! A welcome port in the storm.
Now, after a day spent in the past, I am back in the future. Experiencing my own personal renaissance as I move from the dark ages into the enlightenment. This rams home several points to me:
That night, after I got home safe and sound, Seattle (and the entire Pacific Northwest) experienced a major windstorm. As a result our house was without power on Friday morning. I was able to go to work as South Bellevue retained power, but the trip in was a nightmare; with the 520 bridge down and stoplights out everywhere traffic was a mess. Anita drove me in (because my van was still at work) and a trip that normally takes about eight minutes required over an hour.
Friday night I stopped at our storage unit and picked up camping supplies and our generator, then tried to find an open gas station and store to pick up a few things.
Bad idea! Power was out and stores were closed everywhere I looked until I returned to South Bellevue. There I found more terrible traffic (despite working stoplights), gas lines reminiscent of the 1970's energy crisis, and one open grocery store with nearly empty shelves and long lines of its own. I finally picked up a few useful things at a nearby drug store and fought my way through the traffic to home. The whole adventure took me more than three hours.
I returned in pitch dark to a house glowing softly with candles. (Anita's candle fetish finally came in handy.) I set up the camping stove and started arranging things for a night without power while Anita heated some chili. After that I played guitar for a while and then we read with flashlights. My four-year-old grandson found the whole thing quite exciting.
The house never got too cold, so sleep came easy beneath multiple covers. Then I was woken early Saturday morning as the power came back on. (In fact I nearly filled my pants as every light came on, along with the heater and a couple of appliances beeping or otherwise making their presence known.) So, although I was prepared for several days without power we only had to do without for about 24 hours.
Unfortunately the Cable didn't return as well, so finally (with Anita experiencing a major Net Jones) we went in search of an Internet connection and found an open Panera's in Redmond. They didn't have any food, but they were staying open and providing free Wifi, coffee, sodas, and a warm place to sit for anyone. So, major kudos to the guys there! A welcome port in the storm.
Now, after a day spent in the past, I am back in the future. Experiencing my own personal renaissance as I move from the dark ages into the enlightenment. This rams home several points to me:
- Even in the USA we are only a power line and a net connection away from living in a third world country
- The future may be around every corner, but the past is always at our back
- Irony is a permanent condition in my life
- Don't get between Anita and a Net connection when she needs a fix!
- Mood:
contemplative
I've been slammed at work and nearly as busy away from it for the last week or so; or at least that is my excuse for not posting lately...
Still, it isn't like you don't have plenty of alternatives. Not when Anita has a super popular post about Melanie Martinez getting fired from PBS's Sprout channel and John Scalzi has a heavy riff going about Journey. Go, read them both. There is a ton of entertainment just in the comments!
Still, it isn't like you don't have plenty of alternatives. Not when Anita has a super popular post about Melanie Martinez getting fired from PBS's Sprout channel and John Scalzi has a heavy riff going about Journey. Go, read them both. There is a ton of entertainment just in the comments!
In my previous update I mentioned that Anita was starting a new chemotherapy drug/regimen. I have bad news: It didn't work.
Two weeks ago we found out that her CNA marker numbers are about double what they should be. Also there may be new nodules as well. So, being as it wasn't working, the existing therapy regime was stopped. Yes, this is very distressing news...
The doctor suggested that he could possibly get Anita into a study where they are testing a new drug for tumor reduction; one that works by blocking the hormones which cause blood vessels to grow, something that tumors generate in order to get enough blood flow to survive. This was good news on several levels; one of them being the fact this drug has proved effective against several other kinds of cancers, so this study only applies to patients with Endometrial cancer. Others being the facts the drug would be free for the study and that it has less side effects than any of the alternatives.
However, this also was too good to be true. It turned out that the study restrictions precluded Anita on at least two counts. So we had to wait while the doctor decided what he wanted to do next. In the end he put her on Doxil, which has yet another administration regimen (once every four weeks) and potentially has rather nasty side effects. These include mouth sores and ". . . skin rash, swelling, redness, pain and/or peeling of the skin on the palms of hands and soles of feet."
Anita had the first administration on Friday, I went along and everything seemed OK. She has been tired since, but no vomiting or other scary crap. As usual for a chemotherapy drug, some of the worst side effects won't show up for weeks. Most likely she will get even more tired as her red blood-cell counts drop. At this point we don't know if the Doxil will be effective or how long she will be on it.
And, yes, we are pretty sad about the whole thing. This is one roller coaster we would all like to just get off. In fact, we would like to find a quiet place away from the carnival crowds right now. Someplace we can sit in the shade and eat our candy apples in peace...
We are probably going to need help with my grandson and various other things again; so if you are not already an official 'AnitaHelper', and would like to be one (and live in King County), please send an email with your contact info to jackb [at sign here] sff.net and we will add you to the list. If you would like to help us with our (completely overwhelming) medical expenses, please email jackb [at sign here] sff.net indicating this andjkling will contact you (he is co-ordinating donations). If all you can offer is your good wishes/prayers/affirmation, know that they are well and truly appreciated.
(Meta: Yes, I am breaking my rule about not blogging about personal stuff. In this case I must because so many people care for Anita and want to know what is going on.)
Previous health updates for Anita:
Two weeks ago we found out that her CNA marker numbers are about double what they should be. Also there may be new nodules as well. So, being as it wasn't working, the existing therapy regime was stopped. Yes, this is very distressing news...
The doctor suggested that he could possibly get Anita into a study where they are testing a new drug for tumor reduction; one that works by blocking the hormones which cause blood vessels to grow, something that tumors generate in order to get enough blood flow to survive. This was good news on several levels; one of them being the fact this drug has proved effective against several other kinds of cancers, so this study only applies to patients with Endometrial cancer. Others being the facts the drug would be free for the study and that it has less side effects than any of the alternatives.
However, this also was too good to be true. It turned out that the study restrictions precluded Anita on at least two counts. So we had to wait while the doctor decided what he wanted to do next. In the end he put her on Doxil, which has yet another administration regimen (once every four weeks) and potentially has rather nasty side effects. These include mouth sores and ". . . skin rash, swelling, redness, pain and/or peeling of the skin on the palms of hands and soles of feet."
Anita had the first administration on Friday, I went along and everything seemed OK. She has been tired since, but no vomiting or other scary crap. As usual for a chemotherapy drug, some of the worst side effects won't show up for weeks. Most likely she will get even more tired as her red blood-cell counts drop. At this point we don't know if the Doxil will be effective or how long she will be on it.
And, yes, we are pretty sad about the whole thing. This is one roller coaster we would all like to just get off. In fact, we would like to find a quiet place away from the carnival crowds right now. Someplace we can sit in the shade and eat our candy apples in peace...
We are probably going to need help with my grandson and various other things again; so if you are not already an official 'AnitaHelper', and would like to be one (and live in King County), please send an email with your contact info to jackb [at sign here] sff.net and we will add you to the list. If you would like to help us with our (completely overwhelming) medical expenses, please email jackb [at sign here] sff.net indicating this and
jkling will contact you (he is co-ordinating donations). If all you can offer is your good wishes/prayers/affirmation, know that they are well and truly appreciated. (Meta: Yes, I am breaking my rule about not blogging about personal stuff. In this case I must because so many people care for Anita and want to know what is going on.)
Previous health updates for Anita:
After that explosion of blog posts last night, I am going silent for a few days. Anita and I will be enjoying a little vacation from computers, so I won't have the opportunity to post.
See you in four days!
See you in four days!
Another geeky meetup, with much discussion about programming languages and other esoteric computer subjects (mostly between myself, Tommy Williams, and Dennis Hamilton). I enjoyed that, of course, but I imagine it bored Anita and Alex Barnett a little (both knew enough to understand what we were talking about, but neither is as excited about discussing Algol or Forth as Tommy, Dennis, and me). I couldn't tell if Ram was into it or not, but his meetup report indicates he did enjoy our discussion of ancient programming languages.
I tend to geek out at the Seattle weblog meetups as well. But the Eastside meetups are smaller and almost all computer industry types, so the conversation is that much more likely to descend into deep geekery.
I tend to geek out at the Seattle weblog meetups as well. But the Eastside meetups are smaller and almost all computer industry types, so the conversation is that much more likely to descend into deep geekery.
I didn't do a health update for Anita when we had good news, partly because so many people found out right away that it seemed redundant. But now that makes this update seem like I only mention the bad stuff: Anita's recent followup scan showed some spots on her liver are growing again.
We found out in the middle of last week; the regular readers among you will note that I haven't updated here since then. As you can guess, this news has taken the wind right out of me. It has taken until now to get everything straight in my mind and put my emotions back into the 'day-by-day' mode that allowed me to deal with the previous round of treatments. In a sense, this was made harder by the fact things were going well for us lately.
In any case Anita is now looking at more chemotherapy, this time with a different drug and a different regimen. Because the regimen consists of five days of chemo (shorter visits, but every day for five days in a row), followed by two weeks off, Anita had a 'port' installed last Friday. Minor surgery, but surgery none the less. (At least I've had the fun of telling my friends that my wife is now a cyborg.)
Anita isn't exactly back in the same horrid situation as she was in six months ago, but that doesn't make it any better. We wanted to believe that she was out of the woods, and therefore we allowed ourselves to hope it was true. Don't get me wrong: Hope is not a bad thing, even when it turns out to be unfounded. And I sincerely hope that we have cause to hope for a full recovery again. I'm not sorry we hoped for it before, and hell; we still have hope that it can happen. This whole thing isn't as bad as it probably sounds to you.
But it is hard... It is hard...
(Meta: Yes, I am breaking my rule about not blogging about personal stuff. In this case I must because so many people care for Anita and want to know what is going on.)
Previous health updates for Anita:
We found out in the middle of last week; the regular readers among you will note that I haven't updated here since then. As you can guess, this news has taken the wind right out of me. It has taken until now to get everything straight in my mind and put my emotions back into the 'day-by-day' mode that allowed me to deal with the previous round of treatments. In a sense, this was made harder by the fact things were going well for us lately.
In any case Anita is now looking at more chemotherapy, this time with a different drug and a different regimen. Because the regimen consists of five days of chemo (shorter visits, but every day for five days in a row), followed by two weeks off, Anita had a 'port' installed last Friday. Minor surgery, but surgery none the less. (At least I've had the fun of telling my friends that my wife is now a cyborg.)
Anita isn't exactly back in the same horrid situation as she was in six months ago, but that doesn't make it any better. We wanted to believe that she was out of the woods, and therefore we allowed ourselves to hope it was true. Don't get me wrong: Hope is not a bad thing, even when it turns out to be unfounded. And I sincerely hope that we have cause to hope for a full recovery again. I'm not sorry we hoped for it before, and hell; we still have hope that it can happen. This whole thing isn't as bad as it probably sounds to you.
But it is hard... It is hard...
(Meta: Yes, I am breaking my rule about not blogging about personal stuff. In this case I must because so many people care for Anita and want to know what is going on.)
Previous health updates for Anita:
On this day, five years ago, I asked you to marry me.
I've never regretted it. Not for one second. My only wish is to celebrate this day, every year, for the rest of eternity. (Or the heat death of the Universe, whichever comes first.)
I've never regretted it. Not for one second. My only wish is to celebrate this day, every year, for the rest of eternity. (Or the heat death of the Universe, whichever comes first.)
Last Wednesday was the January Seattle Weblog Meetup. The meetups in November and December were smaller than usual, and attendance has been down generally since last Summer, so it was nice to see so many people there this time.
Not only were many of the regulars there, but there were a couple of new faces and some people we haven't seen in a while. (I was especially happy to see John and Mikey.) My grandson was well behaved, and even played a little with Eric Soroos' son. Conversations ran the usual gamut of subjects and, as usual, I found myself doing some major geeking out with other programmers.
As I promised, we brought a cake for Ben Franklin's birthday. Everyone seemed to have a good time, and most of the cake was eaten. It was a good meetup.
If you are a Seattle local and a blogger you should come to the next one! Eastside meetups are on the first Tuesday of the month at the Crossroads food court in Bellevue on 156th, Seattle meetups are on the third Wednesday of the month at Ralph's grocery on 4th. Watch Anita's blog for announcements or join the meetup group.
Not only were many of the regulars there, but there were a couple of new faces and some people we haven't seen in a while. (I was especially happy to see John and Mikey.) My grandson was well behaved, and even played a little with Eric Soroos' son. Conversations ran the usual gamut of subjects and, as usual, I found myself doing some major geeking out with other programmers.
As I promised, we brought a cake for Ben Franklin's birthday. Everyone seemed to have a good time, and most of the cake was eaten. It was a good meetup.
If you are a Seattle local and a blogger you should come to the next one! Eastside meetups are on the first Tuesday of the month at the Crossroads food court in Bellevue on 156th, Seattle meetups are on the third Wednesday of the month at Ralph's grocery on 4th. Watch Anita's blog for announcements or join the meetup group.
Last night was the December Seattle Weblog Meetup. Anita and I got there a little early (my three-year-old grandson in tow) and were surprised to find there was already a couple of others there. Jake showed up soon after toting a huge sack of white-elephant gifts, continuing a Christmas tradition he started last year of cleaning out his old games, CDs, and gadgets by gifting them to other bloggers. Anita had also put together some gift bags from stuff around the house and a couple of other people brought some as well, so there was more than enough gifts to go around.
There was also a large platter of delicious goodies provided by someone who didn't even make it to the meetup, she just dropped it off at Ralph's Grocery and the counter folk hung onto it for us!
So, all the ingredients were there for a jolly time — including a goodly number of bloggers to have it. And everyone did seem to have a enjoy themselves! For me the funniest thing was the way people immediately started trading around gifts from their bags until everyone ended up with stuff they liked best. I walked away with several Techno and Industrial CDs, but I couldn't find anyone who wanted the stick (A pencil that looked like a stick of wood) in my bag.
There was also a large platter of delicious goodies provided by someone who didn't even make it to the meetup, she just dropped it off at Ralph's Grocery and the counter folk hung onto it for us!
So, all the ingredients were there for a jolly time — including a goodly number of bloggers to have it. And everyone did seem to have a enjoy themselves! For me the funniest thing was the way people immediately started trading around gifts from their bags until everyone ended up with stuff they liked best. I walked away with several Techno and Industrial CDs, but I couldn't find anyone who wanted the stick (A pencil that looked like a stick of wood) in my bag.
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